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Saturday, March 27, 2010

light beneath the dark

I know there is something better for me
Where the grass is greener
Where I can hold up my head high
Where I can feel the warmth of the sun

Maybe it's not so far away
Maybe all I need to do is open my eyes
Maybe it's all in my point of view
Maybe it's right under my nose

I climb up high to escape my insanity,
Only to fall tumbling back into my reality.

See the light beneath the dark...

Friday, March 12, 2010


Maybe it's not so far away
Maybe all I need to do is open my eyes
Maybe it's all in my point of view
Maybe it's right under my nose
I climb up high to escape my insanity,
Only to fall tumbling back into my reality.
See the light beneath the dark...

Saturday, March 6, 2010

waiting until she breaks your heart

Like a movie..

I replay our memories in my head
rewinding the good times and fast-forwarding the bad
sometimes i would mute it and think what would of happened if we said something different...
would we still be together?

then the ending of this movie came about
it wasn't a happy ending but yet i didn't fast forward it
I felt the rush of emotions swim through me as i watched myself reading that text
i was so happy to hear from you but when i opened it i immediately started to cry
my friend is a witness because she was sitting next to me
how can you be so selfish? so inconsiderate?
if you claimed you loved me so much why did you hurt me so badly?
it was the worst feeling i ever felt... ever
i loved you

and yet you ripped my heart out and smiled while i bled
and me being so naive and desperate thought you would come back to me because when you ended it you were drunk.
i was wrong.

i watched from a distance, from the shadows as you changed into a completely different person
you weren't the boy i fell for anymore
you turned into another conceited, obnoxious jock
like we don't have enough of those already...

but now you are dating this girl
i know how she works
but the most interesting part is she is the complete opposite of who you were when i first met you

so here i am, watching from a distance
waiting in the shadows
waiting until she rips your heart out and smiles while you bleed
waiting until she breaks your heart

eternal sunshine


How happy is the blameless,

The world forgetting, by the world forgot,

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,

Each prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

mushed up thoughts. aka. VENTING!!

Everybody needs to give me a break. I'm running around doing everything for everybody but myself. And still I don't get the appreciation I deserve.

I go through sleepless nights, and long hard mornings.
I go home wanting to sleep so badly but remember i have homework i don't even wind up doing.

My life at the moment is PATHETIC
People need to understand that I AM A PERSON!
I have a life of my own and I have feelings.
I want to feel wanted.
I want to feel loved.
I want to feel like I belong.

But nobody seems to give a shit about me, so why do i still care about them?
I feel like i dont even know who i am.
My dream is to become an actress, or a writer, or even a director.
To have that kind of control over my creativity just astonishes me.
I dont want to live an average life.
I want to make it all it's worth.
And when i die i want people to remember my name.
To pass down my fragments of imagination to their grand-children
Or to have a big picture of me plastered on their wall.

Nobody knows this is my dream, my goal
Not even my parents
A part of me is afraid to tell them
I am afraid of making them disappointed
Afraid they will discourage me
Tell me it will never work
So whenever i talk to them i put an invisible mask over my head
I hide my dream and pretend i would rather be an english teacher because it involves "writing"
I dread putting that mask over my face because i hate how i have to hide myself from the world

I want to be open
to be free
to openly express my feelings to the public without being judged.
I wish everyone in the world would be this free.
I believe that if nobody judged anyone just for a day, it would be the day that nobody died.

I am going to make a difference in this world
I am going to make people know who i am and remember my name
then i shall gain my respect for the goodness of others





Tuesday, February 16, 2010

artificial waterfall

When i was a little girl, i used to scoop up water with my hands and watch as it flowed out between my fingers. I loved the feeling of being in control of how quickly the water flows out. The feeling of achievement, and pride. I controlled the water. I loved hearing it dropping back to where it started from. Watching the rings it made as it splashed back into its "home". This was my artificial waterfall.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

hello .....kinda not ready to be published yet but OH WELL


You watch him from a distance
You love to see him smile
You wish one day he might be yours
If only for a while

You wish that you could tell him
To have the strength to say,
Hello I love you and I wish that you
Could feel the same one day!”

Your heart beats as he comes towards you
Only to walk on by
You try to tell yourself you don’t love him
Try to believe your lie…

You wish, you dream, you hope, you pray
That you could be together
Maybe if you could make him see
That you two could last forever.....

a life? another thought

Yet still i know

the truth will rise and fall

thats just the way it goes

a word now from the wise

the world was made to change

but its taring us apart each and every day


looking for a life through my own eyes

surching fro a hero to idolize

feeling the pain as innocence dies

im looking at a life through my own eyes


Hoping and praying for a brighter day

now i listen to my heart and its okay

i cant see it any other way

im looking at a life through my own eyes


just a thought

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

People change so that you can learn to let go,

things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,

you belive lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,

and sometimes good things fall apart so a better thing can fall together



that night



Just me and him sitting on the cold metal bleachers

Watching the dark crisp night sky light up with vibrant colors.

His arms were around me

Keeping me warm against the icy breeze.


Our eyes quickly gazing at each other for a split second

A split second filled with love, excitement, and joy

And as I leaned my head on his warm hard chest

Everything went still


All the laughter’s of the children became mute

All of the exploding colors in the sky became invisible


All I could hear was his heartbeat

All I could feel was him breathing

Syncing his breath into mine

Breathing just so our bodies would become one

Our life sweeping into us and leaving for a moment

We were inseparable


Feeling his body next to mine

How there was no space between us

It sent a rush of a feeling I cannot describe

A feeling that was coursing through my veins with so much energy

It was as though my body was on fire but no pain was being felt


He looked down on me

His warm eyes molding into mine

Trying to read my face it was as though he was looking right through me

The only thing he couldn’t see though was my heart

My heart was tucked away waiting for the right time to come out

Looking to see if it was the right time

He leaned a little closer

Just an inch closer so our noses we barely touching


He closed his eyes

And at that same moment I felt his soft lips press against mine

It was a couple of seconds before I finally caught up to reality

and realized what was happening



My body started to react

My hands slowly moved up his chest to his face

Holding him so he won’t let go

He was holding me around my waist

As my hands started to grab his hair

Pulling him down to my height

Keeping him captive in my moment

Our lips together, such a complete hold. I closed my eyes and I felt his soul

This was our first kiss.


And as we left our bodies

Our souls intertwined with each other

We were flying

And as it ended

He flashed my favorite smile

The smile that touched his eyes and made them sparkle


It was just a couple of seconds

But it felt like it lasted forever

All of my emotions came and left

It was just a simple kiss

But it was everything I wished for


And as he walked me home

Our arms locked around each other

I thought about that night

And I knew it would stay with me forever


Wednesday, February 10, 2010


i want you. but i want you to myself. until then i cant have you. why is that so hard for you to understand?

engraved in my memory

i cant stop thinking about you. your face is engraved in my memory.

the way you looked at me. it was like i was all you wanted.
then you held my hand, and i never wanted you to let go.
but i keep reminding my self that you have a girlfriend.
you keep saying you will break up with her.. so why don't you already?
i don't usually wait this long for a guy, but for you i've gone beyond my limits.
i wont kiss you. i promised myself i wont.
maybe this is why you are engraved in my memory.
because i cant have you even though i want you?

Monday, February 8, 2010

YAY SAINTS!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

DARK ANGEL beginning of chapter 2 (ITS NOT DONE YET!)

Chapter 2 Blake


I watched from the trees as the two suns blended into unison and set between the mountains. The sky was turning every color imaginable. The darkness was creeping in, slowly, steadily. Latharia would soon be lit only by the stars of hope, but sometimes that doesn't even save them form the evilness that lurks behind the shadows.

As soon as the suns were completely out of view, I jumped down from the tree and worked my way out of the forest. It would soon be time for me to start my visits to the citizens of Latharia. Being the last protector of this kingdom has not been easy. It was much better working with my brother and sister. But they have been killed by the humans and I am the last one left. I am the last hope of survival for Latharia. I promised them I would do my job to the best of my ability, so I must try to not get myself killed.

I started walking towards the kingdoms center. It was a cold night and the moon was held captive behind the clouds. The evening had a rapid heart beat to it; something was wrong. I could feel the sharp twist of tension run up through my veins. The wind started to pick up, like it was trying to warn me of what lurked ahead. I started to run. I picked up my speed until I was even with the wind, then I flashed myself into Latharia's center.


There it was, standing there, staring at me with its victim in its arms. Was I too late? It knew it could not defeat me. Not alone. It let go of her as its eyes turned red. Her body dropped with a solid thud. It started running towards me with suicidal eyes. As soon as it was about to tackle me, I flashed to the other side of the ally and watched as it crashed into the dark brick wall.

It stood there in a state of confusion for a moment and I took the opportunity to attack. I jumped on his back and dug my heel spiked boots into its chest. It was trying to fling me off but I wouldn't move. Then suddenly, I was ripped off its back and i smashed into the wall. I looked up to see a pair of blood red eyes staring at me. At first i thought it was the darkness, but then i saw its claws and teeth and realized it was another one of them.

It took a big lash at my face as the other one dug its teeth into my side. I felt excruitating pain run up to my head as it injected its poision into me. I saw my blood run down my chest, it was now a dark black. I screamed and fainted. I know i did. While i was in an unconious state of mind, i saw him, my brother. He took me back to the day he had died. And I remembered what his last words were. He told me that Strength only lies within your soul not your body. You control who you are, and if you have strenghth in your soul, you will be unstoppable. And with this, I came back to reality. I felt a rush of energy swim through me. My eyes started to glow, and the creatures started to step back. I cringed as my wings bursted out of my back. My skin turned into stone, but i felt as light as a feather. The creatures hissed and started to retreat.


No. Not this time.


I flew at the speed of light to the other side of the ally. Then i took my first real look at the creatures. They had black leather skin, and beady red eyes. They had the features of a human, but they were nothing close to that species anymore. They flashed they're teeth at me and made a gurgling noise coming from deep within their throats. Their teeth looked as long as my sword. They leaped for me one last time, for they new their life was over. And with a swish of my sword, I quickly decapitated both their heads. I felt as if i should of made their death more slow and painful. But then that would make me one of them. If these creatures ever had a heart, it was long gone now. And i should respect that. I suppose.


Then I saw her. Lying there motionionless. She looked like a depressing statue from the way her light blue skin was turning a dull grey. She was dying. I flew to her side and lifted her head. Her body was glowing as it was trying to fight off the poison that was sweeping through her body. I could still save her, for her transformation wasnt complete.


Rubbing my hands together, I gathered up all my powers into making them glow a bright purple. I brushed her lusciously long straight orange hair away from her dying face. She looked young, maybe in her early teens. Her cheeks were hot as i placed my hands upon them. It sent a trickle of shock up my arms. I never saw anyone fight for their life so hard before. It was as if all of her blood cells were gathering up to push the poison back. This girl has courage.

As soon as i got myself back into focus, I concentrated as painfully as my mind could bare. Slowly, I started to drain all her emotions into my mind, the poison included. I could see the glowing purple of my powers against her skin turn blue with the mixture of her thoughts. Its been a while since i felt emotions like hers. And it brought my lips to curl up a little bit, something my facial muscles weren't used to doing. As i read through this girls life, separating her thoughts from her emotions, I realized that she is unique from any other Latharian I had ever saved. Her mind was full of happiness, hope, and wonder. Her mind was so creative that I saw things i wouldn't ever even dream to think of. She was one of a kind. And then all her pain hit me at once. She's been heartbroken, but she's faced it with so much courage I almost felt proud for her. Then i saw the darkness, the poison. It was attacking her with so much force I didn't understand how she was still alive. I closed my eyes, squeezed her cheeks and watched from her mind as i killed the darkness that was surrounding her with my saving light.

so there's this kid....

so there's this kid that i sorta like. emphasis on the "sorta". i was afraid to like him because i was already with this other guy. so i guess you can say i had a crush on him. but he was with this girl. he told me that she always got mad whenever me and him talked. he didn't care though. he told me i made him happy and that everybody told him he was better off with me. somewhere deep inside of me i thought so too. and then we hung out. sure i didn't talk much because he was with his friends, but i don't know i felt something when i was with him. something i didn't feel with this other guy i was with. He made me laugh. i thought he liked me. maybe i thought wrong? because between me and this blog.. he "asked me to his prom". but then he went with that girl. and i am supposed to hang out with him tonight....Awkward? maybe. do i feel hurt? possibly. am i upset? a little. so then why do i still want to talk to you?

DARK ANGEL chapter 1 (its not edited yet)!

CHAPTER 1 Serena


The stars in the sky were my only guide through the dark, empty, never ending forest. My lungs burned like I was breathing in a smoky fire. My legs felt as if heavy bricks were cemented to them until they had no feeling. It was hard to move, painful, but I kept on running. What I was running from, I wasn't sure. All I knew was that it was hunting me down, and I had to get away from it. Fast. I didn't know what it exactly wanted from me, and at this point I really didn't care. I just wanted it too stop.

All of a sudden, something grabbed my shoulders and lifted me to the sky, past the clouds and the stars, everything went black. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. Was I dying? Maybe. Then out of nowhere, these big, piercing, blood red eyes appeared from the darkness and stared at me. I tried to look away, for I felt like they were looking right through me, knowing things that nobody else knows,killing me from inside. I tried to scream and call for help, but no sound came out. My air passages were blocked. There was a sound of laughter, and those eyes upturned as though the creature, whatever it was, was smiling. I was choking, dying, and there was no way out. I was trapped in the darkness. How could anything be so cruel? Finally the laughter stopped, and everything was silent, and empty except for a distant beeping noise. Beep Beep Beep. Where was that coming from? It sounded so familiar. Beep beep beep. But it's probably in my mind, because I was the only thing here, except for those devilish eyes.


"Serena, do you know what time it is?" I heard a distant voice call, but I couldn't see through the overwhelming darkness.

Was that my mother? Did this creature have my mother as well? My mother could be compulsively annoying at times , most mothers are at my age. But still, if it hurts her I don't know what I would do. A girl needs her mom at a time like this. Where was she? I need to warn her not too come close, for her too run away and save herself.


"Mom!" I screamed in the loudest voice I could make, even though it sounded more like a harsh whisper.


No response.


"MOM!" I screamed again until my lungs were begging for air.

I felt myself being jerked around. My head and shoulders starting violently bobbling back and forth. But it wasn't those eyes that were shaking me, it was something else. Something that wasn't exactly there.


"Serena? Serena!" it was my mother's frantic voice, only closer now.


" Mom! Don't come close mom! It might get you too," I answered quickly, trying to get my warning across before it was too late. The shaking continued.


Then slowly the red eyes started to fade, and the darkness became a swirl of blurry colors. I was able to breathe again, and I felt the rush of blood flow back into my head. As my eyes started to focus in, I became more aware of my surroundings.


" Hunny, wake up. Serena what are you talking about? Wake up," my mother asked nervously still shaking me in my bed.

"Mom? Mom! You're still alive!" I panted relieved. I jumped up and hugged her tightly.


"Yes sweetie, of course I'm alive. Why wouldn't I be?" My mother chuckled," Now you go get ready for school. And hurry up because you're running late."


" Those red eyes mom. I saw them again. And this time it was choking me, killing me. It seemed so real, it doesn't make sense. And this time I thought it had you as well." I said, still trying to catch my breath.


"Are you still having those nightmares? I thought that medicine the doctor gave you were sopossed to get rid of those terrifying dreams. And to think we payed so much money for a medicine that doesn't even work. We should sue, we should ma-" There goes my mother overreacting again.


"Mom,"I interrupted," The dreams have gotten less terrifying. And I cant even fall asleep now without my medicine, so calm down."


I tried to reassure her that everything was alright. That the medicine my shrink prescribed was in fact working. But she just thought I was making excuses so we don't fire the shrink. How can I already forget that my mother gets mad easily.


" Excuses excuses. You're always making excuses!" My mom yelled at me," I'm tired of your excuses Serena, you've got to learn to stop. You need to grow up. People don't accept excuses in the real world. Grow up already, you're grounded."


" But mom, I -" I tried to explain myself before she cut me off.


" No Serena, I'm not listening, you're grounded. End of story, now shut up." My mother fought back.


My mom always has these mood swings. She's sweet one minute, and a raging bull the next. It can get tiring after a while, with having to watch out for every little thing you say. But people always have to watch what they say, its a nessecitiy for life.


"Whatever," I mumbled under my breath watching my mom walk out of my room.

When my mother was completely gone, I ran to my closet. What should I wear? Does it even matter what I wear? It's just school, who cares right? All these questions rushed into my mind as I looked through my messy closet.


"Serena? Where are you? Does it really take you that long to get dressed? I told you to get an outfit ready last night so come down," My mother called from the kitchen.


"Okay, I'll be right there," I answered in the sweetest half-sincere voice I could make.


I quickly grabbed a pair of jeans, the first decent T-shirt I could find,and my bag, then ran downstairs. My mother was already waiting by the door.


" Ready?" she asked impatiently.


" Yeah lets go." I said as we walked to the car and headed toward my school.


you say?

I've been calling for you
But you answer and I shut my mouth
I've been searching for you
But myself I don't want to be found

You say I am
You say let go
You say Believe... But it's not that easy for me
You say wait
You say right now
Don't you see you're already one foot in the ground

I've been wicked and wild and wrong and i've wondered the price of my shame.
I've been hiding my face for so long, it's a wonder that you know my name..

You say come home
You say I'm here
You say there are some things you just can't control
You say let me
You say Believe
Why do you search for the answers you already know

I am the way and the light and the Truth
Don't be misled by the flight of your youth
Faith in the things you can't see to believe
What if you had faith in me...

You say rest here, this is your home
Don't you see that you knew I was here all along
You say...

Sunday, January 24, 2010

i miss you.


I saw you in the hallway. You were with "her". Holding her hand. Showing the world you were proud to be her boyfriend. You never did that with me.


I saw you at lunch. You were sitting with her and her alone. In the middle of the cafeteria so everybody can see. You were making her laugh. You never made an attempt to sit with me.

I saw you after school. You were with a bunch of your friends and she was there. You had your arm around her to show your friends that she was yours. You were waiting for her mom to pick her up. You pretended not to notice me when you were with your friends.

I saw pictures of you kissing her on facebook. When i saw that picture its like something tore through me. Me and you never took a picture together. I wanted to scream and cry and words cannot describe what i was feeling. Was it jealousy?

I see you all the time with her. Your always holding her in a way i was never held before. You're constantly looking at her like shes the best thing that ever happened to you. You're always show her off in front of everyone.

When you were mine you told me you weren't into public relationships. But now that you're hers its like you changed. You aren't who you used to be. You aren't the guy i fell in love with anymore. Yes. In love. Until you broke my heart.

I thought i was over you. I still think i am. But why do i feel so empty inside whenever i see you with her? I feel like you just broke up with me all over again. Its like you keep cutting into my heart. And you make it hard for me to breathe without wanting to cry. But i cant love you anymore.

When you were mine you basically ignored my existence in public. Pretended like you didn't see me. Were you embarrassed? Were you scared of what other people thought of us? Well sorry if I'm not like her. Sorry if I'm not desperate, and extremely flirtatious. I wasn't going to change myself for you. But you changed yourself for her.

I don't know who you are anymore. But either way..

i miss you.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

oliver and madeline.


he said his name was oliver.

he was painted with the colour of lies and had puppet string fingers. He smelt of burnt wood and methylated spirits. his eyes were uninhabited; there was nothing there. under the moon light you couldn't tell that his teeth were just slightly yellow, but under the sunlight you could tell that he was breaking. he was falling apart. he was vacant. he was, everything but beautiful.

he held her hand.

-

she said her name was madeline.

she had golden hair that curled in little ringlets around her waist. she had skinny legs and slender hips and a smile that could stop traffic. she couldn't bear to watch people suffer and she liked to re-write reality, the way she wished it was. she knew though, on the inside, that she couldn't re-write her lost forever and always

she pressed her lips to his cheek

-

he lived by night.

the walls of his room were painted beige and he had messy hair. he had always been attracted to lip-piercings and black hair. his father lived in the next state and sometimes visited. his mother was normal, sure, but home ate away at him; it wore him down. he had read about california, there was nothing he wanted more than to sit on the beach with everything he ever needed. he liked how she could just re-write things and they'd change for her.

his reality couldn't be re-written

-

she tried to save everything.

every night, after dancing, she would hang her ballet-shoes around her neck and ride home. she would let her hair dance in the wind and she would sometimes take the long way home to ride past where he would hang out with his friends. when he was there, he'd smile and run after her, and her heart would pitter-patter like rain. she saw that when they were alone, his eyes had something behind them

she told him to exist where he wanted to.

-

he only knew how to exist in one reality

he didn't understand her writing. it was confusing, and scared him. the alley behind the bar was his reality, was all he would ever be.

'madeline, don't close your eyes' he'd tell himself 'you might see something thats not there'. only then did he realize, that's all he really was. a love story, existing only in her mind

he packed his life into his car and drove.

-

she cried herself to sleep

somewhere inside of her, something broke. she stopped existing in non-existence. she wanted to put his puppet-fingers in a box and never play with them again; save them. she spoke with quiet words. her golden hair faded to a dirty blonde and she couldn't save anything any more.

she couldn't even save herself.

-

he tried not to think about her, when he drove

the girls here had skin the colour of oranges and hair as white as the sand.

no girls here rode bikes and they didn't hang ballet slippers around their necks. he missed the way she smiled. california was as vacant as he was.

he realized when he reached california; he had nowhere to go.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

birds have no home.

i never thought of a name to call him. he was a human, but he was my human.


his heartbeat reminded me of a rainstorm, or maybe the axis of a train wheel, but either way i hated how it mattered to me and how cliched the mutterings of a heart became.


i felt like a bird, a yellow-bellied sap-sucker, every time i heard it whispering blood, but that never meant more than an elucidated want for something prettier. it resonated in my own, an echo of some crossed wires and heartstrings.


my heart broke for his, but never in place of it.


i didn't know if it was wrong to want him solely for myself; he didn't know, either. and that was so beautiful- neither of us knew anything worth knowing, but we knew we could not know and we never knew together.


it reminded me of the obsessive letters i would write and say, please come back home. the funny part was home was nowhere.


it was how we would be birds and live in the sky, and just the idea of having millions of miles of home was overwhelming because neither of us could live and neither of us could die,


i thought of how much i wanted you to love me in the way that there were no lines to colour inside, the way a poem has no structure unless it's restrictive like tuberculosis,


you made me feel pretty.

Friday, January 15, 2010

face reality.

i'm so sick and tired of people yelling at me and blaming me for stupid reasons.

seriously grow up and worry about yourself.
stop trying to pin point every little thing i do wrong.
i'm sure you wouldn't want me doing that to you right?
seriously.. people need to grow up and face reality.
we aren't little kids anymore.
you cant run to your parents for help.
we need to learn to handle situations ourselves.
but first we need to handle our own personal situations that hide within ourselves.
only we can fix those problems.
so people should stop trying to bring others down.
they should look at themselves in the mirror and realize that they are the ones with the problem.
yes i know i can make mistakes, but everyone does.
its how we learn.
its how we grow.
so face reality before it stabs you in the back.
the world doesn't evolve around you, it just moves on without you.
so grow up before its too late.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

perfection.


i'm not perfect. if fact i'm nowhere near perfect.

i eat because there's nothing better to do..
i fall for boys way too easily.
i'm completely vulnerable to believing lies because i believe in trust.
i fake a smile every now and then to pass the day by
i make up excuses for everything and everyone.
i have my friends and i have my enemies.
i try my best to stay out of drama but for some unknown reason it follows me everywhere.
and at the ending of the day i look in the mirror and ask: who am i?

now i don't know the answer to that question yet for sure. but what i do know is that i am confident with who i am today and i am comfortable in my body no matter what anyone else says.

all i want


all i want is one guy

just one
to prove to me that they aren't all the same
that there's hope out there in this world
and all i want from him
is too hold me like no other guy has before

and never let me go.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Speak up.

People can say that they understand everything about you

but your actions can be misinterpreted,

no one can read your thoughts,

but they assume they do because you dare not to speak

because your afraid to be misinterpreted again,

but god gave us all voices to speak


so why do you hesitate?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

thank you. :]

Throughout my life i have been scared of letting people in. I have gone through so much pain and happiness in my life that I didn't know who i was. There was this one group of girls that i used to do everything with. I thought this was where i belonged. they were considered to be "popular" and i felt great with them. But i knew being one of them wasn't who i was. They didnt fit my personality. I knew there was a part of me that was missing. I was never "myself" around them no matter how hard i tried to convince myself that they were my friends. But then they all started to turn on me. One by one they humiliated me and enjoyed the way i would dread sitting with them at lunch. It's not like i wanted to sit there, i just had no other place to go. They all stared at me watching me eat. I remember me sitting at the lunch table trying to hold back the tears. I promised my self i wouldn't let them see the pain they were causing me. One girl said something to me but i blocked it out of my head. Then they all started to laugh. And rumors started to spread. I used to sit in the guidance conference room by myself sometimes and cry. They came up with a "HATE LIST" about me. And told people to sign it. Of course people did because they were intimated by my "so-called friends". The girls who were supposed to cheer me up and tell me everything would be alright. But no. Not these girls.

I was confused on who were my real friends and who were just using me for their own excitement. Eventually my eyes opened up to reality and i realized that no one can be sure if they have these so called "true friends". I know for a fact that i don't have any. So instead i settled with the people who treated me with respect. At this point of my life i was so insecure and desperate to find a friend that i would choose anyone who would say hi to me. I finally asked another group of girls if i can sit with them at lunch. girls i never really talked too. And soon enough those girls became my best friends.

So all i want to say is thank you to the girls who tried to ruin my life. Thank you for forcing me to open up my eyes to reality. I remember a time when i believed that every person was good and they meant no harm. I remember a time when i used to trust everyone. But not anymore and i thank you for that. Without the humiliation you gave me, i wouldnt be as strong and confident as i am today. You made me care less of what others think of me. You also motivated me to work my ass off in everything i do because i realized thats how you get respect. So thank you. When i was friends with you, i was weak. Now that i'm free from you, i feel like i can take on the world all by myself. So i guess you can say you made me into a bitch, but being a bitch is how you survive in this world. So thank you for helping me grow up.

so i don't know if you really accomplished what you wanted to do to me, but either way, i am grateful. i guess.