mushed up thoughts. aka. VENTING!!

Everybody needs to give me a break. I'm running around doing everything for everybody but myself. And still I don't get the appreciation I deserve.

I go through sleepless nights, and long hard mornings.

I go home wanting to sleep so badly but remember i have homework i don't even wind up doing.

My life at the moment is PATHETIC

People need to understand that I AM A PERSON!

I have a life of my own and I have feelings.

I want to feel wanted.

I want to feel loved.

I want to feel like I belong.

But nobody seems to give a shit about me, so why do i still care about them?

I feel like i dont even know who i am.

My dream is to become an actress, or a writer, or even a director.

To have that kind of control over my creativity just astonishes me.

I dont want to live an average life.

I want to make it all it's worth.

And when i die i want people to remember my name.

To pass down my fragments of imagination to their grand-children

Or to have a big picture of me plastered on their wall.

Nobody knows this is my dream, my goal

Not even my parents

A part of me is afraid to tell them

I am afraid of making them disappointed

Afraid they will discourage me

Tell me it will never work

So whenever i talk to them i put an invisible mask over my head

I hide my dream and pretend i would rather be an english teacher because it involves "writing"

I dread putting that mask over my face because i hate how i have to hide myself from the world

I want to be open

to be free

to openly express my feelings to the public without being judged.

I wish everyone in the world would be this free.

I believe that if nobody judged anyone just for a day, it would be the day that nobody died.

I am going to make a difference in this world

I am going to make people know who i am and remember my name

then i shall gain my respect for the goodness of others

artificial waterfall

When i was a little girl, i used to scoop up water with my hands and watch as it flowed out between my fingers. I loved the feeling of being in control of how quickly the water flows out. The feeling of achievement, and pride. I controlled the water. I loved hearing it dropping back to where it started from. Watching the rings it made as it splashed back into its "home". This was my artificial waterfall.

hello .....kinda not ready to be published yet but OH WELL

You watch him from a distance You love to see him smile You wish one day he might be yours If only for a while You wish that you could tell him To have the strength to say, “Hello I love you and I wish that you Could feel the same one day!” Your heart beats as he comes towards you Only to walk on by You try to tell yourself you don’t love him Try to believe your lie… You wish, you dream, you hope, you pray That you could be together Maybe if you could make him see That you two could last forever.....

a life? another thought

Yet still i know

the truth will rise and fall

thats just the way it goes

a word now from the wise

the world was made to change

but its taring us apart each and every day

looking for a life through my own eyes

surching fro a hero to idolize

feeling the pain as innocence dies

im looking at a life through my own eyes

Hoping and praying for a brighter day

now i listen to my heart and its okay

i cant see it any other way

im looking at a life through my own eyes

just a thought

I believe that everything happens for a reason.

People change so that you can learn to let go,

things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,

you belive lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,

and sometimes good things fall apart so a better thing can fall together

that night

Just me and him sitting on the cold metal bleachers

Watching the dark crisp night sky light up with vibrant colors.

His arms were around me

Keeping me warm against the icy breeze.

Our eyes quickly gazing at each other for a split second

A split second filled with love, excitement, and joy

And as I leaned my head on his warm hard chest

Everything went still

All the laughter’s of the children became mute

All of the exploding colors in the sky became invisible

All I could hear was his heartbeat

All I could feel was him breathing

Syncing his breath into mine

Breathing just so our bodies would become one

Our life sweeping into us and leaving for a moment

We were inseparable

Feeling his body next to mine

How there was no space between us

It sent a rush of a feeling I cannot describe

A feeling that was coursing through my veins with so much energy

It was as though my body was on fire but no pain was being felt

He looked down on me

His warm eyes molding into mine

Trying to read my face it was as though he was looking right through me

The only thing he couldn’t see though was my heart

My heart was tucked away waiting for the right time to come out

Looking to see if it was the right time

He leaned a little closer

Just an inch closer so our noses we barely touching

He closed his eyes

And at that same moment I felt his soft lips press against mine

It was a couple of seconds before I finally caught up to reality

and realized what was happening

My body started to react

My hands slowly moved up his chest to his face

Holding him so he won’t let go

He was holding me around my waist

As my hands started to grab his hair

Pulling him down to my height

Keeping him captive in my moment

Our lips together, such a complete hold. I closed my eyes and I felt his soul

This was our first kiss.

And as we left our bodies

Our souls intertwined with each other

We were flying

And as it ended

He flashed my favorite smile

The smile that touched his eyes and made them sparkle

It was just a couple of seconds

But it felt like it lasted forever

All of my emotions came and left

It was just a simple kiss

But it was everything I wished for

And as he walked me home

Our arms locked around each other

I thought about that night

And I knew it would stay with me forever

i want you. but i want you to myself. until then i cant have you. why is that so hard for you to understand?

engraved in my memory

i cant stop thinking about you. your face is engraved in my memory.

the way you looked at me. it was like i was all you wanted.

then you held my hand, and i never wanted you to let go.

but i keep reminding my self that you have a girlfriend.

you keep saying you will break up with her.. so why don't you already?

i don't usually wait this long for a guy, but for you i've gone beyond my limits.

i wont kiss you. i promised myself i wont.

maybe this is why you are engraved in my memory.

because i cant have you even though i want you?

YAY SAINTS!